The Habits of Love

We do not fall in love with people. It seems like we do, but we don’t. We fall in love with the story that we feel we have with them and the habits they exert with us. The story consist of a few things; the chapters we know, the chapters we are a part of, and the chapters we hope to be in. You’re dating this amazing person, and we want it to go the best it possibly can. But that part of the story isn’t written yet.

You meet a person and you get to know them, ask questions, pry deep into their soul, discovering their past and seeing just how weird they might really be. They’re a book series to us, and we have to sit and decide if we want to be with them for the rest of the journey, based off what we know about their story so far. A truly fascinating person will draw us in just with an interesting life and a pretty smile. Some people have a story and a future that is so potentially captivating that we cannot imagine continuing our lives without being intertwined permanently into their story as well. Once we are drawn into the story enough, we become part of it. From there a new path is taken which includes the two authors and the plot for both of them begins to be redirected.

Now the other part of a person you fall in love with is their habits. They say sweet things to you, cook you dinner, exercise, nourish your mind, or wake you up with morning sex. Those are all habits. Things repeated daily with you that ultimately make your life. If you’ve not read this before, burn it into your brain forever…Your life is nothing other than a series of habits. We make a decision and that decision becomes easier to make next time because it’s now part of your autopilot. Whether that decision is to put on the right pant leg first and the left pant leg second (personally I prefer the opposite) or if that is to wake up in the morning and text your loved one before or after you’ve checked your Facebook. Habits rule your life and determine who you become, and habits are a result of your conscious decisions. You can change them at any moment you wish. Now where was I….. Now don’t get me wrong, it helps when habit and story are also connected to a pretty face, but I’ve known quite a many pretty faced people who I couldn’t wait to get away from. So when we subconsciously notice these habits, we begin to fall deeply into love. Now we are hooked. We like their story, and we love their habits towards us.

So what happens next? Well we start to develop our own story in our minds about what our future with them will be. If we like this story, the love grows. If both people love the same story, then you have a successful relationship. If both people love each other’s habits and love the story they’ve created, well then we have what you would refer to as an anomaly even beyond the articulation capabilities of Shakespeare. I say this because come on, we never love EVERY habit of a person. Something they do has to piss us off ever so slightly, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s more about which collection of undesired habits we are most comfortable living with in ratio to the great ones.

This is why love in trouble or love lost is so difficult. It fucks with our reality. Or rather, our perception of it. Our hopes about the future are really an unfixed reality which we have created in our own minds about how we believe it is supposed to look. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, the root of all heartache is expectation. When a love ends or begins to look rocky, we are not shook by the events themselves as much as we are about the possible implications it will have on this future reality we’ve cultivated. How could we possibly bear with the thought of changing our stories all over again? Now we must consider yet another deviation in our plans, another quake in our life.

As much as it is in our power to do something, it is equally within our power not to do. We’ve all been reading a book and decided we didn’t like it so much. If we knew we had a test on it, we couldn’t simply ignore it, but the spark notes would do. There are no spark notes in love, there is no predictability, there is only hope and intention. You’re only ever given two choices in life, Love or Fear. I don’t need to explain all the Jedi reasons why Fear is the wrong way to go, but it is never a good base from which to make decisions from, especially in regards to Love. When in Love, choose Love, not fear.

Stories are not set any more than habits. Habits will create your story. Choose the best habits, and see how your story turns out.

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